Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Freedom: A Metaphor
The End of A Beginning.
When we parted I thought my heart had stopped beating. I felt a stirring undercurrent of shame, doubt, failure, and fear. Fear for being pushed aside, fear for abandonment, fear for standing alone, fear for security. Each day became a grueling reminder of the present and the lack of future for us. I heard a voice inside me cry out in anguish and knew for certain I would never walk away from this unscathed. Because for once in my life I realized that my most prized possession had fled and was never truly mine at all. I became unwound through the mourning of us. The mourning of several years in the making, countless nights cherished now shared with remnants of the guttural pain inching in my stomach every time I say your name. How did we get here? You have changed me. You have marked me. You have hurt me. But yet I am alive and still without you by my side I won't just rise but this time I'll make sure to thrive. Because I can.
The Climb.
9/19/14 | 10:41 PM
Life has been exceptionally pleasant to me lately. It is almost as though the cloudy days have finally made enough room for the sun to shine on me.
I am surrounded by people with pure hearts. I no longer have to worry about cruel intentions and defensive mechanisms blocking off my ability to socialize freely.
Everyday I amaze myself. I remember the days when my anxiety would eat me up into this eternal shell of shyness. But somehow I have transcended into somewhat of a social introvert. I mean I still enjoy my privacy but if need be I now have the ability to take flight and engage with others.
There were times in my past when I believed there was truly nothing special enough about me worth communicating or sharing with others. Those insecurities are long gone.
Because there really are a plethora of qualities that I so humbly possess.
Because there really are a plethora of qualities that I so humbly possess.
I am so grateful for all the experiences, opportunities, and motivational factors that have led to this bountiful success.
Don’t get me wrong, I am still reserved but I am no longer socially inept (at least in my opinion). I think working within my clinic’s environment has deeply contributed to this new layer of self that I’ve stumbled upon.
I absolutely love it.
Honestly, it may be possible that this has been in me for years. Waiting to surface at the right moment. It just feels so good to be around authentic, genuine, and most importantly real people.
As you grow older the tolerance for riffraff and BS just disapparates. There comes a time when you finally find a place where you feel comfort, ease, and acceptance.
I am so glad that it has finally arrived.
Navigating.
In the time span of two months my life has completely altered. I’ve gone from a struggling college student slaving in retail to a blossoming adult fully employed within her profession. There are a handful of people who can say that and I am glad to be one of few.
It takes a special kind of heart to do the work that I do daily. It is not easy working with such a stigmatized population, people who are lost, and no one wants them to be found.
My day to day consists of building up those who others wish to be forgotten. My day to day consists of finding options for others who have become used to having the world turn its back on them.
It is hard, it is challenging, it is tough.
But it is rewarding.
I do it with a smile and I do it with dignity because I have been called to do so. I don’t believe that things happen for no apparent reason. Every door that has closed on me has led up to this exact moment when it has finally opened.
To my destiny and my future. I harbor no ill feelings or contrite thoughts. When I share my title with friends and loved ones they cringe, make a face, or constantly drop their jaw in shock or perhaps wonder.
I’m not sure if its what we have been programmed by society to feel towards people who have made mistakes or if that people truly underestimate my ability to thrive in my professional description. But for whatever reason, I follow my own philosophy these days.
I know that that my profession is a grueling one. I know I may not be a white collar professional yet but this is my start. I embrace this state of otherness, this different place of being, this new way of living.
It may not be for everybody but right now its for me.
I am finding my way.
Let the nay sayers say AMEN!
So be it.
Summer Reading
I stayed up all night reading poetry forgetting how good it felt to let words with depth and meaning seep in. Reacquainting myself with stanzas, ballads, and odes. Getting lost in free verses, hyperboles, and meter.
It is amazing how a few short phrases can highlight your entire life or an experience so concisely it makes you shiver. Or how tightly we can cling to an assortment of lexicon that we never knew existed until now.
Some say poetry is for the old souls, the deep rooted, the recluse spirit. I say its just the ancient text message of sorts.
Waiting to be read. Waiting to be sent.
What have you been reading?
Learning Acceptance Amongst Rejection
We don’t always win at every avenue of life but what matters is that we try. We try to put our best foot forth, we share our best smile, and embrace our best spirit. We always try to be the best that we can for as long as we can.
There is no shame in that but glory. The glory to be a better you in the face of rejection, in the face of anger, in the face of disappointment.
That is where the true victory in life lies. It lies in your ability to soar even when you thought it was you who could not fly.
Coldest Winter Ever
Tis all.