so much has gone down and these past few days. there has been tension, frustration, anger you name it. let me start explain . . .
first my roommate and i had been going through it in this small ass room. it was so much tension in here that i hated coming to my room. all over the fact that i lost my key. so there were dirty stares, rolling of the eyes, etc. and i just had to sit her down and tell her we are grown ass woman if we have an issue we have to talk about it. and we did and everything is sooo much better. thank goodness !
then yesterday i got into a really really bad fight with the girls. i felt so distraught I was so emotional. and i had a break down in the room. i haven't cried that hard in a long long time. my girls listened to me. they helped me find the source of my recent frustration. they said that they noticed how i go from happy to really sad and snap at them. and they said how concerned they were for me. and it really hurt to hear all of that because i know its true. i have been a mega bitch since i've come back to school and now i know why. its because of miles. i'm homesick because of him. like i miss my family but not as much as i miss him. every minute of the day i think about how to get to him. its hard because we can't talk because of his phone situation. and honestly the constant communication we had last year helped our relationship survive. but without the phone calls i crumble. i'm so lost without him and its so scary because i don't know if this is good or bad. i'm so in love with him that i can't even function without hearing his voice. its insane but at the same time i don't expect others to get it or understand it. i know what i want in life and i want him ! like its such a sudden realization he is the man that i want to marry. i may be young and in love and i don't care, place judgement upon me but it won't change the fact that i want to be Ms. Smith.
but getting back to my problem i admitted that i hate being here at this school. so far away from my family and my loved ones. it hurt so bad i couldn't stop crying after i said it and i am honestly really trying to come back to the city by junior year i just have to finish my sophomore year. its going to take a lot for me to reconsider staying here but i have to go. i cannot stay somewhere that i feel unhappy. its not fair to me and its just silly. i love my girls here there so supportive and understanding with me. i have made such great friends here and i honestly want to stay for them but thats not the right reason.
i love love love my girls ! they had my back last night and its so crazy because i've only known them for a year and they were so ready to reach out and be there for me. it was such a warming overwhelming feeling. i'm so glad i have them here with me on this crazy adventure because i don't know what i would do without them. they bring me back to my sanity.
me and miles, we are going to work on our communication. like don't get me wrong we email, im, message at least three- four times a week. so he is reaching out to me but i just wish i had the luxury of calling him whenever i wanted to vent, to say i love you, to say i miss you ! it would be wonderful but i know we are doing great. we are approaching our two year anniversary finally ! this saturday we will be one step closer to unity. i'm so damn proud you have no idea how much i love this man. like i could go on for days . . .
but yeah thats whats been heavy on my heart.
and its about to get some more weight because my mom just told me my aunts been in the hospital for a week. she just told me today she's up there now. and like when i asked her if she was better she didn't give me an answer. so thats something else for me to worry about. i have to go see her this saturday. i'm so very worried. i wish life weren't so complex i really do and midterms are two weeks away time is moving so so fast. i cannot keep up i need to prioritize starting now and its madness i've been juggling exams after quizzes its a motherfucking mess. things are so hectic ! gahhhhhhhhhhh #$%^&*!
